Why do we sabotage ourselves?
We say we want one thing and do another. We promise ourselves something at some point with the greatest of determination and then leave it halfway as if nothing had happened. We justify ourselves, deceive ourselves, and believe our own lies when, in reality, this repeated and sustained attitude over time has a name and surname: self-sabotage.
An almost complete career and a couple of subjects in the hat that take us away from the goal, a job change that is hinted at and never arrives, a relationship that we already told ourselves no to and we fall back into time and time again... From these circumstances, I could list infinitely more, and surely, some shoes fit us all.
Behind this unconscious tendency that drags us as if it were the fury of a hurricane hides an intense emotion of fear and anxiety about the uncertain and unknown. We say we are tired of the same and cling to the usual behaviour pattern like someone holding on at the edge of a precipice. Who doesn't want to do well? If it were so simple to answer this question, our unconscious wouldn't play so many tricks on us, right?
In self-sabotage, there are two main issues to deal with:
1- On one hand, any change requires us to "reposition" ourselves. Although reason wants to convince emotion that it's for the better... the fear of the unknown, failure, disappointment, and not being able to have years of rooting in our most primitive brain. Graduating, for example, forces us to unfold, to have no excuses to continue depending, to make a bet and feel like a failure, and to realize we were not as good as we used to think. A healthy relationship demands gratification but also demands greater commitment, giving up deciding on our own, greater intimacy, the risk of getting involved and it going poorly, the risk of infidelity, and repeating the story of our parents that we lived as children and did not like.
2- On the other hand, it means giving up instant pleasure, short-term, in pursuit of greater satisfaction... It's hard to say no to a chocolate bar, say yes to going to the gym, skip a birthday to stay in and study what we least feel like doing.
Sometimes, we sabotage ourselves because we can't resist temptation because we find it hard to say no, because we prioritize enjoyment and self-complacence, or because willpower is never enough.
The wisdom of betting on the long-term
No one does well in life, enjoys good health, and has valuable relationships by chance. Behind this song, there is sweat, perspiration, effort, resistance, perseverance, and self-esteem well forged to be able to choose "what's best for oneself" even if right now we don't feel like it or we prefer to distract ourselves with something else that attracts us more.
Choosing what's good for oneself is an indication of emotional maturity and lovingness toward oneself. Whether it costs us less or more, each time we decide progressively, from full consciousness, and recognize that this choice will be good for ourselves, we are sowing a good harvest.
Choosing what's good for oneself is an indication of emotional maturity and lovingness toward oneself.
This does not mean giving up what we want but differentiating an insubstantial and instantaneous desire from another that makes us feel proud of ourselves.
The best feeling is experiencing extended contentment over time and feeling ourselves grow. Just like those stories with different endings, we shape our existence based on our bets, our ability to sustain what does us good, and our level of consciousness, which evolves every time we make decisions with lucidity.
Maintaining a long-term goal forces us to walk the thin line of self-sabotage, but when we hold the helm firm and experience the "taste" of feeling proud of ourselves, we realize the difference between the short and the long term.
In a society that seduces us with immediate satisfaction and tells us the story of the easy and effortless, being coherent and consistent with what we truly desire without falling into magical thinking is to have ourselves as allies.
Only those who go through life well awake are capable of reaching their aspirations. People who know themselves, who no longer believe their excuses and justifications, can transcend the barrier of their fears and not put obstacles in their way when they are about to achieve what they want. They go through the fog of the uncertain and the unknown and realize that there is nothing so terrible and that a good piece is polished from the experience.
People who know themselves, who no longer believe their excuses and justification, can achieve what they promise themselves.
How to Transcend Self-Sabotage?
When we find ourselves making excuses for not doing what we promised ourselves, procrastinating on relevant tasks, dwelling on trivialities, or saying we do not have enough time, we need to pause and understand that the first step to stopping sabotaging is to not believing these narratives that our mind tell us.
Keys to help us stop putting obstacles in our way:
- Knowing We Are Capableundefined
Recognizing not only the current resources we have at our disposal but also our ability to develop those we need to face new circumstances gives us the courage to take on what we evaluate as challenging. As we question our negative beliefs, we will learn to encourage ourselves, gradually eliminating the tendency to self-sabotage. Believing that we are not capable undermines our self-esteem and can have very negative consequences in all areas of our lives over time.
- Starting with Achievable Goals:
To start building confidence in ourselves, goals must be achievable and sensible; otherwise, insecurity and the impulse to retreat will soon appear. As we check off achieved goals, we can gradually increase the challenges and raise the bar to compete and surpass our own mark. Looking back and seeing ourselves progress fills us with personal pride and provides the necessary motivation to set new goals. When we experience the taste of "conquest," we desire to place more flags in the territories won and yet to be won.
Looking back and seeing ourselves progress fills us with personal pride and provides the necessary motivation to set new goals.
- Mastering Patience and Training Perseverance:
Only patient and persevering people achieve their goals. When it comes to reaching what's important, the demands for urgency must be left behind. Anxiety about achieving results makes us jump ship too early. Sometimes, we don't believe we are capable when, in reality, what we lack is not more capacity but time and consistency.
- Tolerance for Frustration:
Sometimes, we don't start anything for fear of disappointment; however, those who do not risk do not win, and those who sleep on their laurels rarely wake from their indolence and tendency to laziness. Our ambitions must go hand in hand with the efforts and daring we have to encourage ourselves to do the difficult and the costly. Absolutely nothing is simple and uncomplicated from the start. When we start something, we must be clear that setbacks will appear, that sometimes we won't feel like it, and what's important is to hold the helm beyond the emotions that invade us and the circumstances we have to navigate.
It is a sign of emotional immaturity to give up at the first event that goes wrong or as soon as expectations do not turn out as we hoped to achieve in a certain time.
- Abandon the tendency to think in terms of good or bad – black or white:
Imagine a colour palette with an infinite number of nuances. Things can start "somewhat" well and gradually improve, or start off great and then decline.
There is a whole range of shades between good and bad and black and white. The important thing is not to expect everything to fit as planned. Contemplating the unexpected, unforeseen events, setbacks, ups, and downs helps us not to oscillate from peak to peak and achieve stability, where the good that is done is always better than the perfect that is never accomplished.
Suppose we continuously want to do everything perfectly. In that case, we might end up with such a high level of demand that it leads to continual dissatisfaction and a high degree of stress that demotivates us. Don't get discouraged when things seem unsolvable or feel everything is going from bad to worse. Life is full of ups and downs. What may seem negative today may feel different and even better tomorrow.
- Accept that you will make mistakes, fail, and perhaps have to start over:
When it comes to stopping self-sabotage, it is favourable and beneficial to be aware that making mistakes is not at all serious. Abandon your tendency to dramatize. We come to this life to learn, to get messy, to slip, to collapse, to stumble, to get lost, and to find ourselves again, to fall and to get back up. This is how we strengthen and learn that from every experience, something new is cultivated... and that surely a life consumed in error is better than a life not lived for fear.
Self-sabotaging should not be an escape from what we are not entirely convinced of.
A life consumed in error is better than a life not lived for fear.
Self-sabotaging is never a good way out of what terrifies us. It is better, to be honest and sincere and recognize that we are not yet ready for something or willing to give our all than to deceive ourselves and conclude that we cannot, that we are not capable, and that nothing works out for us.
When we are truly convinced of achieving something, we will have the will, consistency, vigour, and guts to go through whatever it takes, abandon victimhood, and be the protagonists of our successes and failures without stopping rowing in the direction we want to advance, regardless of the obstacles, with the wind in favour or against, with high tide or low tide. It doesn't matter. The important thing is never to stop trying and always treat ourselves with kindness.